Neighborhood Barbecue/Transcript

[Jasmine listening to "Cool Kids"]

Bradley: Hey Jaz! There's a moving van next door.

Jasmine: And I care, why?

[Jasmine and Bradley stick their heads out the window]

[van backing into the house]

Jasmine: No ones lived in that house since Old Man Willakers killed himself, because you kept annoying him.

[construction guys backing in truck]

Guy: You're good... you're good... you're good.

[truck backs into Snortlesons house]

Jasmine: MY ROOM!

Bradley: Hey, maybe they have kids.

Jasmine: Ew! What is this, the fifties?

[THEME SONG]

Karen: We're getting some new neighbors next door.

Buck: Ugh... I hope they DON'T have kids... grubby little brats running through my house, eating my hard earned bananas? N-ho thank you.

Karen: Well, we're bringing them this Banana Wine to say, welcome to the neighborhood.

Buck: What is this, the fifties? YUK yuk yuk

Karen: Look, the more neighbors we have on our side, the more votes we'll have in the Homeowners Association. YOURE COMING, and THATS FINAL.

--cool riff--

[view of Monkeytown High]

Teacher: This exam covers chapters 1 through 50; no notes. You have ten minutes.

Student behind Jasmine: We should kill him, heheheh

Teacher: No talking. If you have a question during the exam, please do not hesitate to keep it to yourself.

Student: Hey, we're all skipping this test. You in?

Jasmine: He said quiet!

Teacher: Jasmine, I've had enough of your crap. Three days of detention.

Jasmine: No, but I was just telling Johnny to stop talking.

Teacher: [sarcastic] Oh, you were? Well, that changes everything. /s FOUR DAYS

--oohOOH, oohOOH--

Buck: This is stupid. No one does this.

Karen: Shut up. It's purely political. [knocks on door]

Ping: Ni hao.

Buck: [under his breath] oooooh great.

Karen: Hello! My name is Karen Snortleson and this is my husband Buck Snortleson. Welcome to the neighborhood.

[Ping staring]

Karen: We live next door.

[Ping staring]

Karen: What's your name?

Ping: Ping Ching Ling Ming.

Buck: I could have guessed that.

Ping: I move heah fom TSSI-NA. My fater rice farmer, my moter dead. We travel across sea in metal bird...

Karen: OOoh kay, that's really interesting, uh, what was your name?

Ping: I dsust told you.

Karen: It's-- it's just that we're not really used to, um, ethnic names around here.

Ping: Call me Ping.

Karen: Oh, yes that's--

Ping: Ching Ling Ming.

Buck: Look, we're just going to call you Ping.

Karen: Do you have kids?

Ping: [looks back] Uhhh, no.

Buck: yyyyes.

Ping: In China it is customary to invite new acquaintances over for a meal.

Karen: Oh. Yeah, of course... how rude of me.

Buck: Karennn...

Karen: We'll invite the whole neighborhood!

Buck: KARENNN...

Ping: Splendid. Zai Jian (tsuai chen)

Karen: Well Ping it was lovely to meet you... [whispers] are you a man or a woman, because it's kind of impossible to tell.

--hmmMMM, hmmMMM--

[clock ticking in detention]

[Jasmine yawns]

Teacher: NO YAWNING.

Teacher: You are in DETENTION, young lady. That means AAHM in charge.

Jasmine: Brat.

[Bruce enters]

Bruce: Hey teach.

Teacher: Welcome back, Bruce. Please take a seat.

Bruce: Is dis seat taken?

Jasmine: You're Bruce McGwire, the captain of the football team!

Bruce: Dat me.

Jasmine: I'm... Jasmine.

Bruce: Me Bruce, what your name?

[Jasmine stares]

--mmMm--

Buck: In what Universe is this a good idea?

Karen: I don't know what you're talking about.

Buck: Inviting the whole neighborhood to our house, Karen. We don't even know these people.

Karen: You know what, fine. Fine. WHATEVER, YOU, WANT.

Buck: Seriously? I work full time so you can be a SPOILED BRAT. I never get what I want!

[phone ringing]

Karen: YOU DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT-- oh, hello... neighbor. I'm greeeeeeeeat, how are yoouu? So, the mister and I are throwing a little shindig at our casa. Greeeeeeeeeat, see you at seven.

Buck: Would it kill you to go to the gym?

Karen: THIS IS HOW REAL WOMEN LOOK, BUCK. We're not all skinny goddesses. REAL WOMEN have curves.

--hmmMMM, hmmMMM--

[view of house, sign: Neighborhood BBQ]

[guests streaming in]

[Carl enters]

Karen: Welcome, Carl. Thank you for coming.

Carl: I brought beans.

Karen: Ew.

Buck: Right this way.

Carl: I brought beans.

[Ping walks in]

Karen: Koneecheewa.

Ping: That is offensive.

Buck: Karen, how many burgers will we need?

Ping: I'm a vegan.

Buck: [clenched teeth] Maybe you should have TOLD us that before.

Karen: Oh, so you think only MEN can grill? Us women aren't just your DISHWASHERS, Buck. Gimme that [beeep] spatula! You haven't lived until you've had meat grilled by the [beeep] Grill Goddess herself.

[Buck turns around]

[Mr. Dickens is standing in the doorway]

Buck: CRAP!

Mr. Dickens: Prrrresident Dickens is in the hoooooou

Buck: Your eminence.

Mr. Dickens: I neglected to bring a dish, because I expect to be served. This party better be worth it... I cancelled my 6:45 scalp waxing.

---

Bradley: Daddy, who's that fancy guy?

Mr. Dickens: From which prrrovince of Italy are these hors-derves?

Buck: That's Mr. Dickens, the president of the Homeowners Association. You are NOT to go near him.

---

Carl: Carl Schwartz, former child prodigy and scientist extraordinare.

Ping: You know, from where I'm from, it is not customary to boast about one's achievements.

Carl: You look very ethnic, are you opening a Chinese restaurant or...?

Ping: [pause] Actually yes, on the corner of Ching & Chong.

Carl: Personally I prefer Thai food, fuel for the brain [forced laugh]

Carl: Chinese food is filled with sodium you know.

---

Buck: Karen, I thought you should know--

Karen: Give up! Women can grill too! You're just jealous.

Buck: No, it's not that... the President of the HOA is here.

[Karen burns her hand on the grill]

Karen: AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGH! MY HAND!

Buck: Seriously? You BRAT!

Karen: Shut up and let me do this!

[Jasmine and Bruce walk in]

Jasmine: Hey dad.

Buck: Who is this?

Jasmine: Bruce McGwire the captain of the football team. [clenched teeth] DON'T BLOW THIS FOR ME.

Buck: Jasmine, we'll talk.

---

Mr. Dickens: [to Carl] Hwat kind of a party doesn't have a valet?

Carl: A bad one [forced laugh] They really cheaped out this time.

Bradley: I'm the valet. $20 please.

Mr. Dickens: [scoffs] You?

Bradley: Fork it over, those cars aren't going to park themselves. You know what, now its $40 for you wasting my time.

Mr. Dickens: But of course sir. $40 is but a drop in my ocean of wealth. [gives money]

[Bradley parks all the cars horribly]

---

[Buck tinks on glass]

Buck: Attention-- attention, everyone. Thank you for coming to the Monkeytown Neighborhood BBQ--

Carl: I BROUGHT THE BEANS!

Buck: ...and we would like to have a special welcome for our new ethnic neighbor: Ping the Asian! Ching choooooooong [awkward clapping]

[tsss]

Karen: AAAAAAAAUGGGGH!! I BURNED MY HAND!

--oohOOH, oohOOH--

[everyone at the table]

Karen: These burgers were SPECIALLY prepared by a very strong and powerful woman: me. Chef Karrren. Girl power, am I right ladies?

Mr. Dickens: Egad! Do you honestly expect me to consume this peasant food?

Buck: Crap, craaaap...

Bradley: Mommy your burgers taste like crap.

Buck: Never let a woman grill meat, hehe right on Bradley.

Ping: Do you have any vegan options, such as a single mung bean or perhaps a rice patty?

Karen: EAT IT, PING.

Jasmine: Hey, who brought these beans?

[Carl goes ballistic and destroys the table]

Karen: GYET OUTTA MAH HOOOOOUSE!!!

Mr. Dickens: Gala at my manor! [everyone follows leaving Karen in a mess of trash]

--mMmm--

[Karen sobbing]

Buck: The bathroom is destroyed, and our front lawn is tp'ed.

Karen: THIS PARTY WAS A DISASTERR-her-her-herrrr!

Buck: Well... yeah...

Karen: YOU SHOULD HAVE WARNED ME. But you were just WAITING to see me FAIL, weren't you.

Buck: I TOLD YOU from the beginning to cancel this party!

Karen: OH, so now it's my fault? You're making this my fault? Ohhh, that's rich.

Buck: UGGH! You are so immature!

[Karen running out of the room screaming]

Karen: Lalalalalala I can't HEAR YOU.

--oohOOH, oohOOH--

Jasmine: I HATE YOU GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!

[Jasmine is screaming at Buck, who is hurrying away from her]

Buck: I was just trying to talk about what happen at the party.

Jasmine: Bruce is none of your concern.

Buck: Jazzy...

Jasmine: Don't call me that.

Buck: I was just-

[Jasmine shrieks, then sobs]

Jasmine: AAAAAUUGHHH!!! GET OUT!!!!

[Buck exits]

[Jasmine is alone, crying]

[Karen and Buck sleeping on opposite sides of the bed]

[Karen quietly weeping]

[credits]