Pilot/Transcript

Bradley: DAAAAAAADDYYYYYYYY!

Buck: What is it now, Bradley?

Bradley: The remote's too far. I WANNA CHANGE THE CHANNEL!

Buck: Shut up you little brat. [sees TV] Hey... this is Judge Mia!

Bradley: Ew. This show is like a hundred years old.

Buck: It ended twenty five years ago, Bradley. I was on this show.

Bradley: [points at Turdsley] Were you that fat one?

Buck: No, you brat. Look there I am!

[Buck on TV]

Bradley: You were so thin. What happened?

Buck: Let's just make this our little secret, okay Bradley? You can't tell anyone.

Bradley: Whatever.

[THEME SONG]

[Karen walks in the house holding bags]

Buck: Hi Karen, how was your day?

Karen: Better than yours.

Buck: Need help with the groceries?

Karen: OH, so just because I'm a woman means I can't do anything by myself? I don't need a MAN's help!

Buck: Guhhh... that's what I get for trying to be nice.

[Jasmine bursts in and runs upstairs crying]

Karen: Did you put the bananas out to thaw?

[Jasmine sobs]

Buck: No because you never told me to.

[Jasmine sobs]

Karen: a GOOD husband would have done it by himself

[Jasmine sobs loudly]

Buck: Uggghhh... I guess someone should go talk to her.

Karen: NOT IT!

Buck: NOT IT!

--oohOOH, oohOOH!--

[Jasmine weeping on bed]

Buck: Jasmine?

Jasmine: Gyoa awaay! [sobs]

Buck: Fine.

Jasmine: WAIT! [falls down sobbing]

Buck: What's wrong.

Jasmine: [sobbing] M-m-m-me and T-Taylor Capuchin wore the same outfit to the DAAh-a-a-a-ance...

Buck: [leaving] That sounds like a personal problem.

[Jasmine screamsobs]

--mmMm, mmMm--

[house at night]

[Buck and Karen settling in for bed]

Buck: Goodnight honey.

Karen: Guhh.... I hate my life.

[light turns off]

Bradley: Mommay! Mommay! MommAAAAAAAAAAAAA--

[light turns on]

[Bradley is standing next to the bed]

[Karen screams]

Bradley: I can't go to sleep.

Karen: Bradleeeey. What do you expect me to do?

Bradley: Check for monsters in my closet.

Karen: Uggghhhh, fiiiiiiine...

Bradley: WAIT! I want daddy to do it.

Buck: Ugh, pieca crap.

Karen: Heh heh, succckerrrrr.

[in Bradley's room]

[light turns on]

Bradley: There's a monster in my closet.

Buck: No there isn't, now GO TO BED.

Bradley: But daddy--

[closet starts shaking]

[Jasmine jumps out]

Bradley: MOOOOONSTERRR!

Jasmine: We've had this conversation, you little brat. We share a closet.

Buck: Both of you. Bed. NOW.

[Bradley and Jasmine go to bed]

Buck: Bradley, I'm locking your door so you can't escape until morning.

Bradley: Waaaaaaah...

--oohOOH, oohOOH--

[Buck stuck in traffic]

Buck: MOVE IT, PEOPLE!

Guy: Hey I'm drivin heah!

[Buck walks into Monkey's Pride Banana Co.]

Gordon: Thank heavens you're here.

Buck: Yes, I'm late again... I don't need your crap Gordon.

Gordon: Mr. Baboon just had another screaming fit. I think you might be in trouble.

Buck: Oh, really? You think I might be in trouble, Gordon?

Gordon: Yes.

Buck: Is that what you think?

Mr. Baboon: SNORTLESON! My office. NOW!

Gordon: Good luck buddy.

Buck: Yeah whatever.

--hmmMMM, hmmMMM--

Karen: Bradley? WHAT are you WATCHING?!

Bradley: Judge Mia.

Karen: That show is NOT appropriate for immature children!

Bradley: You shouldn't be watching it then... YUK yuk yuk.

[Karen gasps offendedly]

[Buck shows up on screen]

Karen: Wait... is that...

Bradley: I know what you're thinking, and daddy isn't the fat turtle.

Karen: Whooaa... he really let himself go.

Karen: [whispering] Why did he hide it from me?

--ooh ooh AAH AAH--

Mr. Baboon: Buck. Snortleson. [sigh] Do you know why I called you in here?

Buck: To... give me a raise.

Mr. Baboon: NO! [sigh] [teeth clenched] You were twenty minutes late.

Buck: What are you gonna do, fire me?

Mr. Baboon: Your sales are down 300% FROM LAST QUARTER!!!

Mr. Baboon: Just look at Gordon out there - he is a sales GOD.

Gordon: Hello, Mrs. Monkey? I noticed that your banana subscription is about to expire in six months.

Buck: Gordon's a freak.

Mr. Baboon: You are on VERY thin ice. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!!

[Buck and Gordon in the lunch room]

Gordon: What did your mommy pack you for lunch? My mommy packed me PB&J.

[opens bag]

Gordon: Ahhh, she forgot to cut the crusts off!

Mr. Baboon: Oh dear! Here let me help you with that...

[Gordon weeping]

[zooms in on Buck]

Mr. Baboon: There we go... all better!

[Buck in traffic]

--oohOOH, oohOOH--

[Buck walks in the house]

Buck: Another crappy day.

Karen: It's about to get even more crappy.

Buck: Karen... I thought you were already asleep.

Karen: Bradley and I watched a VERY interesting show today.

Buck: A-aa- I was going to tell you.

Jasmine: st-HOP FIGHTING!

[Buck and Karen stare]

Jasmine: Oh. Sorry, too early...

Karen: Why did you hide it from me? What could you possibly hope to gain?

Buck: I've been trying to leave behind that chapter of my life, because--

Karen: What. Because what, Buck. Because you wanted to be the most famous person in your family? You don't want us to be better than you? Huh? ANSWER MAY!

Buck: I wanted to have a normal life...

Karen: WE COULD HAVE BEEN FAMOUS!

Buck: ...to focus on my family.

Karen: Hmph. Keep this up, and you won't have a family. [leaves]

[Buck contemplates]

Jasmine: st-HOP fighting!