Work Problems/Transcript

[Buck getting ready for work]

Buck: Well, better get off to the old grind.

Karen: I thought you weren't working today? I really wanted to spend the day with YOU.

Buck: That's okay, because I really wanted to NOT spend the day with you.

Karen: But I got us tickets to the Banana Montana concert, your favorite.

Buck: Oh... well I'm sure Mr. Baboon would understand if I took the day off.

Karen: THIS WAS A TEST, AND YOU HAVE FAILED. These aren't tickets, they're the receipts for my donation to the Women Against Men Foundation. You just want to get away from me!

Buck: Work is how I put bananas on the table, Karen, whether you like it or not. Or would you rather die of starvation? yyyyYUK yuk yuk.

Karen: Everything's just a JOKE for you. You know what, I should be the one working. I am a powerful, independent woman and you can't stop me.

Buck: Enough with the feminist rants. Women were made to stay at home and do whatever the crap you do.

Karen: WOMEN BUILT THIS WORLD!

Buck: I don't have time for this - I'm going to work.

[Karen pouts]

[THEME SONG]

[Buck in traffic]

Buck: Morning Monisha.

Monisha: Whatever.

Gordon: Good morning Buck! What a lovely day it is.

Buck: Well, it was.

Gordon: A-aah? Ooh-kay. - Good news!

Buck: Quiet Gordon. Just let me do my job... I have to concentrate so I can snag the Monkington sale...

Gordon: Actually, Mr. Baboon gave me the sale.

Buck: WHAT?! The Monkingtons are my biggest client!

[Gordon dialing phone]

Gordon: Hi!

Mrs. Monkington: Hello? Who's this?

Gordon: It's me, Gordon.

Mrs. Monkington: ... OH! Gordon from Monkey's Pride, how are you?

Gordon: Good!

Mrs. Monkington: Are you calling to sell me bananas?

Gordon: Ah -hah!

[Buck is disgusted]

Mrs. Monkington: Such a good boy! I'll take fifty crates.

Gordon: Otay! ... how do you spell, 'banana'?

Mrs. Monkington: b, a, n...

Gordon: SLOW DOWN! [weeps]

--oohOOH, oohOOH--

[Karen sitting in waiting room]

Lady: Karen Snortleson? He's ready for you.

[Karen gets up and begins walking]

Karen: I'm here for a job interview, because my husband has become a real brat.

Lady: Uh huh.

Karen: Staying home all day is not the life for me. Us women have to stick together.

Lady: My boss isn't one for feminist propoganda, so try to keep it at a minimum.

--

Karen: Dr. LaChillz, pleasure to meet you.

Dr. LaChillz: Likewise, Mrs. Snortleson. Now, tell me - what makes you think you'll be a good rocket scientist?

Karen: Let me tell you something, Private - can I call you Private?

Private: No.

Karen: There is no reason that a strong, powerful, independent woman like myself can't do everything any old man can do. In fact, the female species is in every way superior to the male race.

Private: Do you have experience.

Karen: In a word - no. But I'll tell you what I do have: an iron will that will stop at NOTHING--

Private: I've heard enough, Mrs. Snortleson. Don't call us, we'll call YOU.

Karen: What? But, but...

Private: Look, you're just not a good fit.

Karen: You-- you can't do this to me. I'm an independent... I'm suing this ENTIRE COMPANY for MISOGYNY.

Private: You have ZERO experience and you're applying to be a rocket scientist?! You are DELUSIONAL!

Karen: You're dead to me, Bill.

Private: SECURITY!

--mMmm--

Buck: [on the phone] I don't like your tone, Hagatha. That is EXTREMELY rude. You know what, if you don't appreciate what I do, then you don't get your bananas.

Gordon: You tried your best, Buck. That's all anyone can ever do.

[Gordon's phone rings]

Gordon: Hello? Hagatha, what a delight! 500 crates of bananas? Right away! You too. [giggle] Love you, bye.

Gordon: [to Buck] What a lovely woman.

Buck: THAT WAS MY SALE.

[Matilda walks toward Monisha's desk]

Monisha: [bored] What do you want [sees Matilda] [bleep]

Matilda: Well Monisha, I see you haven't lost your black sass.

Monisha: CEO Matilda... I... what can I do for you?

Buck: Crap, craaap...

Gordon: It's CEO Bananomanoman.

Buck: I know that, Gordon, now clam up.

Matilda: Is Mr. Baboon available? STOP - the answer is yes.

Gordon: HI MRS. BANANOMANOMAN!

[everyone shocked]

Buck: Shhh! Shut up!

Matilda: That is NOT my name. My name is Matilda Redford. Got it big boy?

[Gordon whimpering]

Gordon: She yelled at me.

--oohOOH, oohOOH--

Mr. Baboon: What brings you to Monkeytown, Matilda?

Matilda: Cut the crap, Baboon. I didn't become the CEO of Furria's largest banana distributor by making small talk.

Mr. Baboon: Forgive me.

Matilda: We're making budget cuts. My three-mansion lifestyle has simply outgrown my salary. Do you know what it's like to own only 3 mansions?

Mr. Baboon: I... no...

Matilda: Don't interrupt. You need to fire one of your employees by the end of the day, so I can absorb their salary.

Mr. Baboon: Fire someone? I don't think we can afford...

Matilda: Don't think, just do. I strongly recommend the, obese retard.

Gordon: [babyish voice] I eated a paper.

Mr. Baboon: ... I have to ask, why did you change your name from Bananomanoman to Redford?

[Matilda stares daggers]

Matilda: Murphy and I divorced. Our marriage was unstable from the beginning.

--hmmMMM, hmmMMM--

Gymbear: So why should you be the next trainer at Uber Fit Fitness [punching] RAH RAH RAH!

Karen: As you can see from my sweatband, I have EXTENSIVE experience in the art of gymology. In fact I graduated from Bulging Muscles University with a PhD in fitness.

Gymbear: No way, me too! Go dumbells, alright!

[Karen laughs nervously]

Karen: Although I do believe that workout gyms are just sexist propoganda created by men to oppress women into chasing an impossible body type.

Gymbear: Who doesn't? [stupid laugh]

Karen: So when can I start?

Gymbear: Oh, actually you're not working here.

Karen: Excuse me?

Gymbear: We require our trainers to actually work out themselves, and it's pretty obvious that you don't give a crap about your body.

Karen: What are you saying?!

Gymbear: Well surely I'm not the first person to point out your weight.

Karen: You're one to talk, Fatbear!

Gymbear: My NAME is GYMBEAR. Why does everyone assume--

Karen: I'm out of here.

Gymbear: Fine. FINE!

[awkward pause, Karen leaves]

Gymbear: DON'T GET STUCK IN THE DOORw-ay... she's gone.

Buck: [on phone] Hello, would you like to buy bananas from Monkey's Pride? Wait, REALLY?! Yeah I can do ten crates.

Gordon: Who are you talking to?

Buck: Let me just get your contact information...

Gordon: Can I talk? Let me talk?

Buck: I'M ON THE PHONE.

Monisha: Buck, let him talk!

[Gordon steals the phone]

Gordon: I'll get your bananas to you likety split. HooWAAAAAAAY! [hangs up phone]

Buck: [clenched teeth] THAT WAS MY SALE.

Mr. Baboon: COOL IT, SNORTLESON. Listen up you fools - I've been given orders straight from CEO Matilda, that someone will be fired by the end of the day.

Buck: WHAT THE CRAP

Gordon: Waaaaaaaaah

Monisha: [beeep]

Mr. Baboon: SILENCE!!

Monisha: So who's getting fired?

Buck: Heh... come on... let's not ignore the obvious.

Gordon: A-aah?

[Mr. Baboon looks at Monisha]

Monisha: Don't even THANGK about it! It would be extremely RACIST for you to fire the only black woman in this branch!

Baboon: What about the unpaid janitor?

[pans to black woman]

Buck: LaShawna? She only 3/5ths counts.

Gordon: ... I think I should be fiyawd.

Monisha: Heavens no! Baboon: No, Gordon! Don't you ever say that again, you hear me? YOU HEAR ME?

Buck: Actually I agree with him.

[Karen walks in]

Monisha: Can I help you?

Karen: Good thanks. Karen Snortleson to see the manager.

Monisha: Right this way paleface.

Buck: Karen?

Karen: Buck! The crap are you doing here?

Buck: I work here!

Karen: Well I'm applying for a job. I finally took up the torch of womanly empowerment and I've decided to enter the workforce.

Monisha: Mr. Baboon will see you now.

--oohOOH, oohOOH--

Karen: As you can see from my resume--

Mr. Baboon: It just says... female.

Karen: That's all it needs to say. For I am a powerful and independent woman and I can conquer any old job... [scoffs] especially at a dead end banana company.

Baboon: ...this could work...

Karen: What could work?

Baboon: Uh I uh

Karen: But why tell you when I can... show you [click]

[no music]

Karen: Craaaap... okay, no music... ok wait I got it...

[Beyonce girls run the world song]

[Karen dancing hypnotically]

--hmmMMM, hmmMMM--

Gordon: I hope Mr. Baboon keeps you.

Buck: Wow, thanks Gordon... [hesitation] I hope he keeps you.

Gordon: Really?

Buck: I... I...

Karen: You men think you run the world. Make room, boys. Woman coming through.

Gordon: Gordon Pillsbury, nice to meet you.

Karen: The pleasure is all yours.

Buck: Ew EWWWW. Baboon hired you?

Karen: Deal with it, Buck. I'm the head of the Female Relations department. What's that, you think women aren't suitable for corporate jobs? Sexist. SEXIST! [Karen starts beating Buck]

--

Karen: [to Monisha] Stand strong sister. Fight the good fight.

Monisha: Huh?

Karen: You are an independent, powerful woman. Stay firm against the male regime... what was your name?

Monisha: Monisha Brown.

Karen: [guffaws] Brown? That's your name?

Monisha: Yeah, what's it to ya?

Karen: [stammers] I-I-uh- I... it's just a little ironic.

Monisha: Oh, you think it's ironic? Why? Why's that?

Karen: You [chuckle] you can't be serious... I mean you're bl--

[death stare]

Karen: You're bllllloated -- crap, craaap, that wasn't any better.

Monisha: Do you want a bullet in your head, lady? Cause I got a loaded gun in my left flab and I ain't afraid to use it.

--

Gordon: Kawen, you awe such a delight! I wish you were my mommy instead of my real mommy.

Karen: I get that a lot.

Buck: Karen... I think Baboon only hired you, so he could fire you.

Karen: Excuse me? I was hired because of my independence, my can-do attitude, my womanly musk--

Mr. Baboon: Karen, my office -- NOW.

--

Karen: You're... firing me?

Mr. Baboon: Pack your things. You're done here.

Karen: You... you can't...

Mr. Baboon: Don't make me call security.

[Monisha and Buck looking in]

Karen: You can't fire me, because I quit. You are an insecure, sadistic LUNATIC bent on torturing your employees. And your butt it just the icing on the cake.

[view of Baboon's butt] Baboon: SECURITY!!!

[Karen gets dragged out by security]

Karen: WOMAN POWAAAAAR!

Gordon: [to Buck] Your wife is simply delightful.

--oohOOH, oohOOH--

[view of house at night]

Buck: I knew you'd never snag a job.

Karen: For your information, I left. That office is such a boys' club.

Buck: Women simply lack the mental capacity to support a job.

Karen: Do you want a bullet in your head, Buck? Cause I got a loaded gun in my left flab and I ain't afraid to use it.

[phone rings]

Karen: Snortleson residence, head of the household speaking.

Fatbear: Karen Snortleson? It's Gymbear.

Karen: Gymbear... OH! Fatbear.

Fatbear: Uggghhh. Listen, no-one else applied to be a fitness trainer... so looks like we're stuck with you.

Karen: So... I got the job.

Fatbear: When can you start?

--credits--